Movie review: “Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same”

You may not have heard of it, but it’s the most baller for its dollar:

This one is actually really super entertaining. I watched it with the person I’m sorta dating (because labels, man) and if we ever last I credit this movie.

I thought it’d be either way too weird and artsy for me or really boring and terribly done. It could have been stupid or cheesy. But I was pleasantly surprised! And given the budget and the limited cast, it was wonderfully rich and full of surprises.

So this is not your typical lesbian movie. It looks like a 1950s hokey scifi movie but it was made in 2011. There were few femmes and no glamorous sex, although there was some pretty steamy nose-rubbing and heartbreaking cheesecake. It’s in black and white.  It was produced for less than $8000 on kickstarter: it was truly a labor of love.

Aliens from a far away planet fear damage to their ozone layer is caused by big emotions, i.e. love– BEAR WITH ME HERE GUYS. If any alien is found guilty of big feelings, they get sent to Earth to break their hearts because human interactions are known to cause heartbreak. So they get to Earth on a mission to find love so they can experience true heartbreak. A lonely middle-aged lesbian who works at a stationary store waits for the day someone special comes along; lo and behold, someone comes along who is out of this world. Zoinks, an alien, gives her a love card and big emotions ensue. They are stalked by the CIA. Two other aliens, Zylar and Barr, are on the same quest, but after a passionate cheesecake-fueled afternoon one of Barr falls in love with Zylar while Zylar goes out to lesbian bars and parties her butt off and picks up more girls than Shane.

Zylar’s my faves. She goes on awkward dates trying to blend in with earthlings, tries her hand at online dating, and even puts out a youtube video to attract potential female suitors.

So real life.

There’s a lot of cute. This is cute:

And this:

And this:

This film about adorably sensitive space aliens will make you feel more human than ever.

Oh and P.S. Madeline Olnek has some really smart things to say about the film.

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LGBT movie review: “Cloudburst”

So I’m going to try therapy again this week because I literally couldn’t get out of bed til 3 today and it just hurt to get dressed and make coffee. I’ve been too stubborn to let therapy work before, but I think I might be dealing with the big D. (not that. you dirty-minded reader you.)

Since I have been working on my thesis proposal all weekend, I decided to let myself have at least half of today to relax and watch “Cloudburst”, one of my favorite lesbian movies. It’s just cute as f***. To feel more productive, I will write you dudes-in-the-gender-neutral-sense a lovely movie review!

Enjoy.


 

Stella and Dot are two elderly lesbians in their ’70s who live together in a small Maine town. Stella, a foul-mouthed stubborn butch, spends much of her time taking care of Dot, her mostly blind partner of 30 years. Dot appears to be the only person with the patience to put up with Stella’s dirty commentary; while Stella seems to be the only one with the patience to describe the world to blind Dot.

Dot: "What shapes are the clouds?"  Stella: "I see a donkey, pulling two nuns and a beagle."

Dot: “What shapes are the clouds?”
Stella: “I see a donkey, pulling two nuns and a beagle.

One night Dot hurts her back after Stella breaks out a vibrating dildo. Nobody taught them about safe sex. Dot’s granddaughter, Molly, wants to put her in a nursing home, fearing any worse injury. Stella chases her out of the house with hot tea and flour.

Dot: The doctor says it will be six weeks before you can slap my ass again.

Molly, who seems to have a lot of denial about her grandma being a lesbian (oh honey…), tricks Dot into signing a contract to put her in a nursing home.

Molly’s boyfriend tries to explain why Stella cares so much that they’re taking Dot away to the Bangor, ME nursing home. Molly remains oblivious.

Tommy: They’re clam smashers!

Molly: They have clams in Bangor!

Molly’s policeman boyfriend is not entirely cooperative, but is completely whipped and so managed to get Dot into the car. He gets this lovely visual, courtesy of Stella:

I’m not your grandmother, Tommy Warkovsky. But I did get to second base with her… in the 7th grade!!

Oh Tommy how will you sleep at night?

Stella proceeds to break Dottie out of the nursing home, and they decide to get married in Nova Scotia so that Stella can get legal custody of Dot.

Stella: "It's like being 9 years old all over again."  Nursing home security guard: "Hey, I don't make the rules." Stella: "That's what Joseph Goebbels said!"

Stella: “It’s like being 9 years old all over again.”
Nursing home security guard: “Hey, I don’t make the rules.”
Stella: “That’s what Joseph Goebbels said!”

Dot and Stella pick up Prentice, a young trampy hitchhiker from New York City; Stella’s foul mouth gets them into trouble repeatedly on their quest to get married. Hilarity, tragedy, tenderness, and cunnilingus jokes ensue.

Stella, talking about going down on K.D. Lang; Dottie rolling her eyes; Prentice taking it all in stride.

Stella, talking about going down on K.D. Lang; Dottie rolling her eyes; Prentice taking it all in stride.

I love the movie because it’s not just about an immature 70 year old lesbian marrying a grandma; it’s not about two women fending off homophobic family. It’s not about a grandma coming out to her granddaughter. It’s about all these things; but it’s also about getting older and the form that life and relationships take when you know yourself inside and out. It gets cheesy, it gets hokey, it tries hard to make heavy moments light; but overall the movie is really uplifting and adds some much-needed diversity to the lesbian movie repertoire.

 

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Stella: Some days you live for the future, the one you imagine, even though you know it’s never gonna happen. If you’re ever lucky enough to have a perfect day, don’t let go of it. Paint a picture of it. If you ever have a perfect day, hold on to it like it’s your dick.

The movie is available on Netflix, and is 93 minutes long.