So I’m going to try therapy again this week because I literally couldn’t get out of bed til 3 today and it just hurt to get dressed and make coffee. I’ve been too stubborn to let therapy work before, but I think I might be dealing with the big D. (not that. you dirty-minded reader you.)
Since I have been working on my thesis proposal all weekend, I decided to let myself have at least half of today to relax and watch “Cloudburst”, one of my favorite lesbian movies. It’s just cute as f***. To feel more productive, I will write you dudes-in-the-gender-neutral-sense a lovely movie review!
Stella and Dot are two elderly lesbians in their ’70s who live together in a small Maine town. Stella, a foul-mouthed stubborn butch, spends much of her time taking care of Dot, her mostly blind partner of 30 years. Dot appears to be the only person with the patience to put up with Stella’s dirty commentary; while Stella seems to be the only one with the patience to describe the world to blind Dot.
Dot: “What shapes are the clouds?”
Stella: “I see a donkey, pulling two nuns and a beagle.
One night Dot hurts her back after Stella breaks out a vibrating dildo. Nobody taught them about safe sex. Dot’s granddaughter, Molly, wants to put her in a nursing home, fearing any worse injury. Stella chases her out of the house with hot tea and flour.
Dot: The doctor says it will be six weeks before you can slap my ass again.
Molly, who seems to have a lot of denial about her grandma being a lesbian (oh honey…), tricks Dot into signing a contract to put her in a nursing home.
Molly’s boyfriend tries to explain why Stella cares so much that they’re taking Dot away to the Bangor, ME nursing home. Molly remains oblivious.
Tommy: They’re clam smashers!
Molly: They have clams in Bangor!
Molly’s policeman boyfriend is not entirely cooperative, but is completely whipped and so managed to get Dot into the car. He gets this lovely visual, courtesy of Stella:
I’m not your grandmother, Tommy Warkovsky. But I did get to second base with her… in the 7th grade!!
Oh Tommy how will you sleep at night?
Stella proceeds to break Dottie out of the nursing home, and they decide to get married in Nova Scotia so that Stella can get legal custody of Dot.
Stella: “It’s like being 9 years old all over again.”
Nursing home security guard: “Hey, I don’t make the rules.”
Stella: “That’s what Joseph Goebbels said!”
Dot and Stella pick up Prentice, a young trampy hitchhiker from New York City; Stella’s foul mouth gets them into trouble repeatedly on their quest to get married. Hilarity, tragedy, tenderness, and cunnilingus jokes ensue.
Stella, talking about going down on K.D. Lang; Dottie rolling her eyes; Prentice taking it all in stride.
I love the movie because it’s not just about an immature 70 year old lesbian marrying a grandma; it’s not about two women fending off homophobic family. It’s not about a grandma coming out to her granddaughter. It’s about all these things; but it’s also about getting older and the form that life and relationships take when you know yourself inside and out. It gets cheesy, it gets hokey, it tries hard to make heavy moments light; but overall the movie is really uplifting and adds some much-needed diversity to the lesbian movie repertoire.
Stella: Some days you live for the future, the one you imagine, even though you know it’s never gonna happen. If you’re ever lucky enough to have a perfect day, don’t let go of it. Paint a picture of it. If you ever have a perfect day, hold on to it like it’s your dick.
The movie is available on Netflix, and is 93 minutes long.