Just more feels.

Ugh. Enjoying a feels buffet right now. Here’s what’s steaming in the chafing dishes (all of which pertains to people–mostly straight men– who I’ve met through apps, and a small subset of whom I met/talked to in person):

  1. I’m never sure when I’ll feel safe and comfortable with someone, and therefore completely open to everything, or when i’ll feel turned off and distant. Just one off moment, and I shut down.
  2. I have trouble meeting people in person because we have to keep the vibe light but in reality i’m always a little scared.
  3. There are some very friendly, open, warm inviting swinger couples I’ve talked to, and I’ve always chickened out for one reason or another: the guy is driving everything, or asks me about things that again would bring down the vibe.
  4. Why should I constantly worry about killing the vibe?
  5. I have trouble thinking about/conceptualizing kink dynamics that are open and honest in person, because I’ve had two potentials fall through: one because he didn’t fully disclose his relationship status, another because he crossed a line. I hope I can build that trust.
  6. Feelings make so much more sense to me now after having re-engaged with straight dynamics. The first straight man I hook up with who is respectful, with whom I don’t have any reservations, I catch feelings. I’m not able or willing to pursue him, nor is he able or willing to pursue me; we don’t have time, there’s too much life. But that attachment was real for quite a while after we hooked up the first time. All it took was for him to stop when I said stop, for him to hold me when I needed to be held, for me to think WOW THIS MAN INVENTED RESPECT AND CONSENT. He didn’t. It’s just basic decency.

Outlets for talking about sex seem to be focused on pleasure and turn-ons, and maybe turn-offs/triggers/hard- and soft- limits; there aren’t many for bonding or communicating about the double-edged sword that is this incredibly intimate act. I want to process all the things, but I’m not sure how. My processor is at capacity.

Sex is so unfair to genders other than cis men. I feel alternating pangs of sexual empowerment and disempowerment.

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