Regaining control

Feeling much much better this week. I had a week of weakness but am now getting my confidence back up there.

I’ve learned a lot in the past week.

  • Friends are amazing. I’ve been incredibly depressed but nowhere near the edge because shoulders to cry on and people to laugh with abound. I only hope I’m as supportive in return when another friend is in crisis.
  • Nothing is black and white. I think of my ex as manipulative, but I also think I tend to be very self-sacrificing. The combination was bad, but I think I could have stood to push back a little bit more. I’m now in a phase of getting to know my own boundaries, and value those boundaries, and it’s been great.
  • If I were to generalize… haha I feel like cis straight men are generally terrible at sex. Queer sex can be bad too of course, but the concept of tuning into one’s partner feels more intrinsic to queer dynamics. Cis straight men who have gotten their sex education from a limited range of outlets and who were never told that their anatomy isn’t going to make up for lack of finesse are limited in their capabilities. I could definitely stand to be more clear about how I like being touched, with all partners.
  • Anger is valuable, has been good this week, but can blow small crises out of control. Anger means I’m valuing my side of things and asserting myself, externalizing rather than internalizing pain. But it also means I stop listening and taking in information. And it means it puts me closer to collapsing.
  • When I slack on self-care, I lose the ability to handle life situations. I’m missing writing, reading, yoga, meditation, exercise, and healthy eating a lot these days.

Everything will be alright in time. I’m doing okay, all things considered. Working on being okay with myself, valuing myself, forgiving and letting go of anger and pain, is a long process.

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