Why do I do what I do?

Tw: cishet sex, men, rough, boundaries

I just got back “home” (or whatever I have right now of it) from an online date. With a straight guy.

We had sexted before so we knew some about what each other was expecting, but it’s one thing to sext about being used and it’s another to not be sure where the line is in real life.

I wouldn’t have done this if I was doing okay emotionally. Sex with cis dudes is part self-flagellation. I won’t deny I was turned on, of course I was, but I was also at times in pain, and I didn’t come. And it was all fine until the last few seconds, when I told him to go more gently but he was so close he pushed on. I know what that was, that shit doesn’t get past me no matter how much we smoked before.

I knew that if I told a guy I wanted it a little rough, he would be rough with me; but in the fantasy he’s also gentle when he needs to be, he’s also focused on me. But he did less foreplay and more “warming me up”… maybe women are just way better at sex than men are, and the last 5 years has upped my standards of “doing it right”.

Sex with cis men is so different. I’m sure some decent ones are out there, but I found what I was looking for: a way to get off as self punishment, which I haven’t quite yet learned to evolve into something pleasurable. I haven’t quite learned how to play with boundaries without getting them crossed.

Cool. Got that out of my system.

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4 thoughts on “Why do I do what I do?

  1. Do you feel mad or disappointed or anything? I’m sorry if I’m too intrusive. For me, sex and especially dominance and submission are deeply intertwined with complex emotion. You write about this experience almost like you went out to try a new restaurant that you aren’t sure you like. Is that how it feels to you? Or was this written too soon for you to have figured out what your emotional reactions are? Again, I hope I’m not overstepping by asking. I really appreciate this post and your openness about what (for me) are difficult topics.

    Liked by 1 person

    • No I appreciate you engaging in this conversation. This is the perfect time for me to respond to this as I was just painfully honest with this person earlier tonight and I’m feeling really empowered. I want to do a follow up post on it. I think it didn’t tap into the parts of me I wanted it to tap into, and I’m mostly disappointed after the fact. You’re right that these are difficult topics, but to me it’s everything to talk about it.

      Can you explain more what you mean by dominance/submission being intertwined with complex emotion? I’m new to all this and to processing emotions during and after the fact.

      Like

  2. So for me, honestly, explorations in this direction have been often physically pleasurable but emotionally so intense that I kind of dissociate and can’t only remember part of what happened. I think it’s because in my head I blur the line between I am playing submissive and I am only an object to be used. I don’t know if that makes sense.

    Liked by 1 person

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