Singledom

Ugh. Hooking up with sperm-producing individuals is so fraught. There is a lot more trust involved, and that makes me feel inevitably disappointed when their level of vulnerability does not match mine.

I had a date tonight with a slightly older woman, and it was wonderful. I’m tired of dating younguns who don’t know what they want. But I’m also tired of older people who don’t know what they want.

It doesn’t help that I’m not among my things, not living near my friends, and that my self-care routine is non-existent. Instead I drink, smoke, and date people who are as unhealthy as the food I’m eating. Only 2 weeks til I move and start fresh…

Basically, and I know this isn’t cool these days, but I’d love to either be alone or enjoy monogamous partnership. I’m tired of the in-between; it’s a young woman’s game, and it’s a waste of time. But then I get lonely, and one “hey what’s up?” later I’m giving space in my life to someone I loathe.

I assume this will get better when I move.

Regaining control

Feeling much much better this week. I had a week of weakness but am now getting my confidence back up there.

I’ve learned a lot in the past week.

  • Friends are amazing. I’ve been incredibly depressed but nowhere near the edge because shoulders to cry on and people to laugh with abound. I only hope I’m as supportive in return when another friend is in crisis.
  • Nothing is black and white. I think of my ex as manipulative, but I also think I tend to be very self-sacrificing. The combination was bad, but I think I could have stood to push back a little bit more. I’m now in a phase of getting to know my own boundaries, and value those boundaries, and it’s been great.
  • If I were to generalize… haha I feel like cis straight men are generally terrible at sex. Queer sex can be bad too of course, but the concept of tuning into one’s partner feels more intrinsic to queer dynamics. Cis straight men who have gotten their sex education from a limited range of outlets and who were never told that their anatomy isn’t going to make up for lack of finesse are limited in their capabilities. I could definitely stand to be more clear about how I like being touched, with all partners.
  • Anger is valuable, has been good this week, but can blow small crises out of control. Anger means I’m valuing my side of things and asserting myself, externalizing rather than internalizing pain. But it also means I stop listening and taking in information. And it means it puts me closer to collapsing.
  • When I slack on self-care, I lose the ability to handle life situations. I’m missing writing, reading, yoga, meditation, exercise, and healthy eating a lot these days.

Everything will be alright in time. I’m doing okay, all things considered. Working on being okay with myself, valuing myself, forgiving and letting go of anger and pain, is a long process.

Why do I do what I do?

Tw: cishet sex, men, rough, boundaries

I just got back “home” (or whatever I have right now of it) from an online date. With a straight guy.

We had sexted before so we knew some about what each other was expecting, but it’s one thing to sext about being used and it’s another to not be sure where the line is in real life.

I wouldn’t have done this if I was doing okay emotionally. Sex with cis dudes is part self-flagellation. I won’t deny I was turned on, of course I was, but I was also at times in pain, and I didn’t come. And it was all fine until the last few seconds, when I told him to go more gently but he was so close he pushed on. I know what that was, that shit doesn’t get past me no matter how much we smoked before.

I knew that if I told a guy I wanted it a little rough, he would be rough with me; but in the fantasy he’s also gentle when he needs to be, he’s also focused on me. But he did less foreplay and more “warming me up”… maybe women are just way better at sex than men are, and the last 5 years has upped my standards of “doing it right”.

Sex with cis men is so different. I’m sure some decent ones are out there, but I found what I was looking for: a way to get off as self punishment, which I haven’t quite yet learned to evolve into something pleasurable. I haven’t quite learned how to play with boundaries without getting them crossed.

Cool. Got that out of my system.

Steering into the skid: overcoming trauma

Tw: sexuality, sex, sexual assault, dominance/submission, anxiety, r-pe, healing.

 

I haven’t had to process trauma that happened to me just before grad school, and all previous traumas, for 5 years. I retreated exclusively into the queer dating world in all its beauty and wonder, and loved it. But I feel as if I’ve been ignoring part of my identity out of fear, fear of not knowing my limits. I struggle with relationships and even friendships because I don’t know what my boundaries are; I don’t know when I want someone and when I need to use them/let them use me. I don’t think I can sort it out until I work through everything that happened to me since I began my journey into the sexual world at the ripe age of 17–or maybe even before that.

I’m feeling icky and triggered right now for two reasons. One was that date on Thursday night; the one where he massaged my shoulders a bit at a show and I left minutes later and started crying on the train. I’m still not okay, days later. I actually had to take my vest off and readjust my bra straps earlier, because of how they were weighing on my shoulders.

The other was that this man that I’d been texting explicitly with… turns out his girlfriend (whom I’d known about but he’d made it sound more casual/open than it was) lives with him. We were never going to meet up; I was hesitating before. The fantasy was better than the reality anyways. The fantasy was healing; the reality would likely be triggering. But this shattered the fantasy of a guy who would throw me around and use me on my terms, in safe play, let me give trust over to him… and suddenly I didn’t trust him. I’m not okay from that either.

A straight friend of mine and I had coffee yesterday, because I had to process all my icky feelings. But for all the shitty triggering that I’ve been experiencing I learned something big about myself: whereas I never thought I wanted this before, I find myself in desperate need of a (presumably cis straight male) partner I can trust to dominate me and work my boundaries with care. One who runs the risk of triggering me, but with whom I can build mutual respect.

This is apparently a common thing in survivors of assault: BDSM and kink are ways of building radical trust and reclaiming one’s body, crucial things for healing after trauma. There’s even a very healing experience in being the submissive. I’ve never ever been interested in anything remotely in this direction so I never realized this; now it seems painfully obvious.

It surprises me because nobody’s ever held me down and r-ped me. I’ve just been guilted and coerced and denied emotional comfort until I gave in. I found myself after my first sexual experience wishing he’d just gotten it over and r-ped me; I felt that worthless. The gentle touch can be triggering sometimes, because it can be dishonest; it’s not violence and it’s not cold distance, it’s a “nice guy” who is using his gentle touch to mask the true power of his desire and lack of respect for my needs, and if gentle touch becomes icky it’s hard to get close to another guy after that. So in my fantasy world, I get used and I get fucked and the other person has complete physical control but I am in complete psychological control over the situation. But they know my boundaries and my triggers and will turn it into play.

For the first time in a long time I’ve shattered another wall, and after talking with my straight friend about it I was finally able to feel positively about what I need from a partner, finally able to process it completely, able to explain what I need to get past everything.

I’m not discovering anything new here. This is an age-old game. But to me it’s brand spanking new. Do I trust someone else bigger and stronger and maybe even cis het male? Do I trust myself?

I’ve talked with a few more people and learned more about the psychology of kink and my boundaries and open communication than I have in all my 12 years of being sexually active. How are we not teaching open communication and knowing ourselves and being in tune with ourselves in sex ed?! What the fuck. And how are we not as a culture talking more about sexual play outside of a wink-wink context? Again, nothing new here that kinksters didn’t already know, but wow, have I ever been repressed.

And one last thing; this exploration of gender I’ve experienced, just like my early college weight gain, is an effort to protect myself. It’s a way to feel in touch with my masculinity and my strength and to distance myself from (and even punish myself for) the things that make me sexual. I struggle, still, to embrace my femme side, because it can feel like vulnerability.

Even as I’m working through the triggers of the last few days, I’m learning or at least trying to channel it by steering into the skid and exploring things one step at a time. It feels terrifying, but it feels like what I need. I will be safe and listen to my bodily reactions; I will learn my boundaries; I will know myself. Who knows; someday I might even feel empowered.