Holy shit. I’m part of the problem. I got invited to play Puerto Rico with some friends of friends (distancing myself now). The game entails guess what, literally colonizing the island of PR, via various acquisitions of resources and building of markets and trading houses and resource storage (as if the island is completely wild and NOBODY was living there before). Also you’re supposed to activate the resources you get by amassing colonists, which are LITTLE BROWN CHIPS. I’m part of the problem because I played through, though making it clear I would never play it again. It’s a well thought out game but very un-woke. Just… don’t buy this game. Don’t give your money to this bullshit.
My wants and needs. What are they? I have to almost switch modes from doing something technical to exploring my needs; distractions in daily life seep into the cracks of my thesis, freeze there, and threaten to splinter the whole thing. I still wonder if I should have delayed applying and given myself a few years to know myself better. It would have made me a better scientist.
I went on Tinder, created a super chill profile that misled people into thinking I was a super chill person, and reeled in a few. One person I started hanging out with is going through their own breakup, so we were of course a great match to process feelings together. They had a picture of themselves smiling, they were masculine of center, they were not skinny, they had beautiful curls. So of course I’ve taken to processing feelings about exes with the first queer friend I’ve made in a while, with whom I definitely wish I could make out with.
For one tho, they definitely don’t seem to go for my type or send flirty vibes. For another, I’m just looking for a rebound and I’d hate to ruin another queer friendship with dating. I am drifting not really living in one place and my ex didn’t really wanna have sex toward the end (at least, not with me…) and I need something comforting and validating.
I want this and other friendships. But I also would like to supplement that with a thing that fills the void left by all the other shit. I miss being held. I miss making out. I miss touching skin and being touched back.
And for that I need to remember to have a work life balance, to fill my mind with my graduation strategy and my publication strategy and bigger goals that remind me that I’m more than my body.