What are my wants and needs?

Holy shit. I’m part of the problem. I got invited to play Puerto Rico with some friends of friends (distancing myself now). The game entails guess what, literally colonizing the island of PR, via various acquisitions of resources and building of markets and trading houses and resource storage (as if the island is completely wild and NOBODY was living there before). Also you’re supposed to activate the resources you get by amassing colonists, which are LITTLE BROWN CHIPS. I’m part of the problem because I played through, though making it clear I would never play it again. It’s a well thought out game but very un-woke. Just… don’t buy this game. Don’t give your money to this bullshit.

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My wants and needs. What are they? I have to almost switch modes from doing something technical to exploring my needs; distractions in daily life seep into the cracks of my thesis, freeze there, and threaten to splinter the whole thing. I still wonder if I should have delayed applying and given myself a few years to know myself better. It would have made me a better scientist.

I went on Tinder, created a super chill profile that misled people into thinking I was a super chill person, and reeled in a few. One person I started hanging out with is going through their own breakup, so we were of course a great match to process feelings together. They had a picture of themselves smiling, they were masculine of center, they were not skinny, they had beautiful curls. So of course I’ve taken to processing feelings about exes with the first queer friend I’ve made in a while, with whom I definitely wish I could make out with.

For one tho, they definitely don’t seem to go for my type or send flirty vibes. For another, I’m just looking for a rebound and I’d hate to ruin another queer friendship with dating. I am drifting not really living in one place and my ex didn’t really wanna have sex toward the end (at least, not with me…) and I need something comforting and validating.

I want this and other friendships. But I also would like to supplement that with a thing that fills the void left by all the other shit. I miss being held. I miss making out. I miss touching skin and being touched back.

And for that I need to remember to have a work life balance, to fill my mind with my graduation strategy and my publication strategy and bigger goals that remind me that I’m more than my body.

Whew.

With 20 minutes to kill before my already-postponed Tinder date, I got another text. “Can we push it back another 30-45? Got caught up at work.” Feeling relief, I suggested putting it off to another day. I sat down on a bench in a tiny park wedged between three roads, listening to the traffic. My shoulders sighed with relief, tired of carting around my deodorant, tooth brush, computer, back-up underwear and t-shirt, book, and all my chargers. I have time to spare for the first time all week. Free time is unpleasant these days.

My ex had called me the night before, needing to talk to someone after a draining fight with her family. I stupidly felt the need to comfort her etc etc, fell asleep there. The next morning I cleaned the apt a little, got my stuff in order, talked with her a bit, then I headed out. It took me until 6 hours later, sitting on that park bench, to let the full weight of her telling me she fucked someone else to hit me. After she’d told me she wasn’t that sexual of a person, (even though she cheated on me and fucked someone like less than a month after breaking up w me) to get out of sleeping with me for the last like month and a half of our relationship, instead of just telling me she wasn’t into me anymore. She seems perfectly capable of being sexual with everyone else. Just tell me you need me more than you love me, so I don’t feel like a repulsive fucking human being.

That’s who I’m living with right now. A person who needs me but doesn’t want me. I fell for it.

I texted my friend asking for a place to crash.

So there I was sitting on a bench, with my change of clothes and all my toiletries in my bag, plus everything I need to go to work, wondering if I had time to go home before hanging out w friends for movie night.

But then I realized who I was and where I was and who was living in the place I’m paying for; I don’t have a home right now. I teared up like the pathetic little shit I was, waiting for my friend to get back to me.

I don’t think I’ve been loving myself enough.