How bisexuality feels to me

What a weird week. The energy in the air has felt all wrong and I have no idea why, like electric tension in the air before a lightning strike. I feel close to another breakdown, but I’m doing ok so far. I went out a bunch this weekend, I got my work done, I should be doing ok. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s the ringing in my ears from the LGBT expo I attended or the party I was at til 4 am, or a friend who has distanced herself this week with no warning (who I really need to talk to, but who is asking for space so I respect that), or the feelings and the dreams that keep everything complicated in my head, but I feel like I’m on one side of a pane of glass and the world is on the other.

Anyways. The bi thing.

It feels like switching between two modes. Two worlds. Two different kinds of attraction. I both am attracted to everybody and not at the same time. As I get comfortable with this feeling of straddling worlds, I imagine I’ll eventually start feeling like these two halves of me are integrating into one, that I’m maybe not so much of a freak. But anyways, that’s how it feels to me right now. Two halves and a rift between them. I’m not bi always: some days I’m straight, some days I’m gay. Some days I want everybody or nobody, or both simultaneously. All the days, I feel a disconnect. But it’ll get better. It must. I lost touch with how to be authentic; it’s gonna be a while before it gets easy to be authentic again.

Does this feel this way for other non-monosexual people?


4 thoughts on “How bisexuality feels to me

  1. I am too new to say. Right now I am just enjoying accepting my more masculine side for the first time and looking at everybody on the train instead of just focusing on the cute guys. But integration takes time. It took me about five years to integrate my physical voice, tenor and soprano, so that the middle didn’t crack all the time…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think it feels this way to anyone outside of the societal norm. I’m monosexual but I’m a lesbian from a very conservative, Christian family. So I know what it’s like to be 2 halves – Christian and gay – and work to find the best way to be both. You’re allowed to be you. It’s scary and sometimes it’s really difficult. But it’s allowed.

    Liked by 1 person

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