What a weird week. The energy in the air has felt all wrong and I have no idea why, like electric tension in the air before a lightning strike. I feel close to another breakdown, but I’m doing ok so far. I went out a bunch this weekend, I got my work done, I should be doing ok. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s the ringing in my ears from the LGBT expo I attended or the party I was at til 4 am, or a friend who has distanced herself this week with no warning (who I really need to talk to, but who is asking for space so I respect that), or the feelings and the dreams that keep everything complicated in my head, but I feel like I’m on one side of a pane of glass and the world is on the other.
Anyways. The bi thing.
It feels like switching between two modes. Two worlds. Two different kinds of attraction. I both am attracted to everybody and not at the same time. As I get comfortable with this feeling of straddling worlds, I imagine I’ll eventually start feeling like these two halves of me are integrating into one, that I’m maybe not so much of a freak. But anyways, that’s how it feels to me right now. Two halves and a rift between them. I’m not bi always: some days I’m straight, some days I’m gay. Some days I want everybody or nobody, or both simultaneously. All the days, I feel a disconnect. But it’ll get better. It must. I lost touch with how to be authentic; it’s gonna be a while before it gets easy to be authentic again.
Does this feel this way for other non-monosexual people?